Gulab

Gulab is from a Muslim-majority country in South Asia. She is separated from her husband and has three children. She has lived in Ireland since 2008 and now holds an Irish passport.

Migration experience

My migration experience was good [at the start]. I was married in my [home country] in 2008 and, surprisingly, I got the [dependent spouse] visa after two months. I was very fortunate and did not have any problem coming to Ireland. [T]he picture I got [was] that Ireland is very beautiful and I’ll have a house. [But] when I came to Ireland … I went to [my husband’s] studio apartment, which was very small … [and dirty]. Still, [I thought], maybe this man … is a good one. I was eighteen. [But] everything was a lie. [My husband] told me that he is a shop manager, [but] he was just a cashier … and was doing a part-time job. And when you came into this dirty house, where everything is messed up, you can’t imagine how terrible it was. And I couldn’t say these things to my parents. So … I was hiding everything.

DSGBV experience and access to supports

[My husband began] locking me outside while [he went] to work. He wasn’t taking care of me. There wasn’t any understanding … but I thought things might improve. [On a visit to my home country], he told me in front of my in-laws that I am not suitable for him and I made his life miserable … and he threatened me to divorce that time. He said that it had been seven months, and [I wasn’t] pregnant yet [and] must have some problems.… So my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law forcibly took me to a doctor [who said I was] fine.… Then [his mother and sister] tortured me a lot, and he left me [there] for six months. He stopped communicating with me, stopped sending any money.… I talked with my sister and she said: “You are young. Things will be better.” So I thought I would compromise in my life and asked him to take me back.

[Then] I got pregnant. But while I was pregnant, he wasn’t very happy and ignored me for the whole nine months. Then in 2010, when my son was born, my mother-in-law came to visit. He didn’t let my sister come.… It was my first pregnancy … [and] my C-section was very difficult. But even after the birth of my baby [my husband and mother-in-law] left me alone in the hospital … they didn’t care, didn’t even call me on the phone.… [My] mother-in-law told my husband that I am not a good woman, and I disrespected her.… He stopped talking to me for five months. I was wondering what did I do wrong. Then I got busy with my baby, thinking that whatever happens, my baby is my first priority.

After that … he started to become violent to me every now and then.… But I kept thinking that I have to keep the marriage.… [When] I was pregnant for the second time … there wasn’t any day when he didn’t tell me that I am not good and I can’t do anything. But I wanted to ignore him and wanted to be focused on my child. And for the birth of my second child, he left me alone in the hospital. [I requested a C-section] because I was worried about my son … and I wanted to go home to [him].… But after when we came home, I had this newborn baby and a three-year-old, and he left me alone … to attend his brother’s wedding [in our home country].

[I discovered that] he took all … the child benefit [money] and sent it to [his family].… I didn’t even know that I get that money [as the mother].… [My husband] didn’t have the income to rent a family house.… From 2015, we went to social welfare.… [After I became pregnant in 2017] he told me to abort the child … [but] I told him that I can’t do that.… It was the third C-Section and it was very difficult.… My third child doesn’t know his father at all.… [My husband began] to stay out at night … [and left] all the responsibility to me. We were getting welfare and that was [how we lived].

[I found out] he was planning to get married.… He tried to throw me out from the home two times.… He told me that if I go to the Garda, he will divorce me.… From 2020 he tortured me so much. He hit me on my face.… [He] used to abuse me sexually saying that he is using me like a tissue paper only. I feel like I was raped and then thrown away.… [In September] he went to [our home country] without telling me.… He came back in December … [and] I asked him whether he got married or not [but] he didn’t say anything.… [Eventually] I called the girl’s mother. [She confirmed that her daughter had married my husband.] … One day he came, and he took everything, passports, my mobile, money and … he utters the [words of] divorce three times … and then he hit me, too.

Women’s Aid are helping me. They are guiding me. They listen to everything. They wrote everything. They know everything about my current situation. [I am also getting legal aid.] And now … I am filling the legal forms of separation for single parenthood. And I started to get legally separated from him. But unfortunately the most important is housing. I am not getting a good response.

Interactions with the authorities

I really like living in this country because I think they really respect women. [After my husband took everything] I went to the Garda in the car with three kids [at 2 am in the morning].… At that time, I didn’t have good English … so I couldn’t say anything understandably. So, [the guard] told me to sit down, have my time, and talk after a while, and he gave me water to drink. So I was really touched by this. In a few days [my husband] gave me back my mobile [phone] but he also threatens me for going to the Garda.… And the Garda told me to get the protection order. I didn’t even know what a protection order was so I went to [the] district court and got the order.… The Garda really supported me. There were four or five instances. At one time, [my ex-husband] even tried to break the door. [Also], he came with Garda once or twice to get his things. So, Guards are coming to my house, and he is also coming. The recent presence of Guards [when he came to take the car] … was a really disturbing situation. I am also dealing with Tusla. [My ex-husband] got the visiting rights, and he said that he wants to look after the kids day and night for not giving them child support. I informed them that my twelve-year-old doesn’t want to go to meet his father. They didn’t give any support until now. I think my kids need counselling support.

Integration into Irish society

I don’t have any relations with any Irish people. I have a neighbour. They are very good. But unfortunately, since the Garda came, we didn’t talk much. I have one neighbour who lives nearby. We [say] “hello” with them. My kids meet with their kids. But I noticed that recently they are not saying “hello” to me. I don’t know [if] it is my imagination or not, or maybe I am not going out much (because of Covid-19). About Irish women, one is my kid’s friend’s mom. She is very nice. I talk with her. I sometimes I leave my kids with her.… But I don’t tell them what happened to me.… I just know one [Irish man] – my solicitor.… Unfortunately [my home country] community does not understand my situation. Some people think that I was stubborn or wrongly [accused my husband].… But they don’t know anything about the past.… I discussed my situation with a few friends … [but] they didn’t help me, and worse … they said bad things about me in [my] community. I didn’t say anything about the Garda … to [people in my community]. Just one friend knows about these things. So people are not accepting me … only a few people do. The rest of [my community would think] that I went too far by going to [the] Garda station or by taking [a] protection order.

I wanted to have training in childminding … [or] social health care … [or] something medical-related. But I couldn’t manage to have any focus in the last nine months.… [However, since] I am doing everything by myself, like the legal paperwork and statements, I realised that I am not that bad after all.… [Now] I feel a change within myself. I feel much better.… It’s true that I am worried that my car has been taken and my house is not secured.… [So, looking forward,] I really need some good advice on education so that I can provide for my kids.